Today was a huge announcement from Ontario Lottery and Gaming Corporation. They are going to modernize the entire lottery and gaming landscape in the province. It was horrible to hear their tragic tale of how falling American gambling tourism has brought the revenues from border casinos down to $100 million from a high of $800 million. The solution of building a new billion dollar casino in Toronto is not going to be enough. Luckily, OLG is full of forward looking and thinking people. They noticed right away that traditional forms of gambling such as casinos and lottery tickets are simply not gaining ground with young people. So they’ve unveiled their plan to get internet gambling going in Ontario. Their studies have shown that it is too inconvenient to have to go to a corner store and stand in line for a lotto ticket, so therefore, they will make it so you can get Lotto Max tickets from your iPhone. That is stunning. Similarly, it’s stunning that someone would come out and say there is not enough interest in the youthful demographic to support the province. I can’t believe that our solution to funding healthcare and education is to make sure that more young people are gambling! It’s not enough kids that you will need to work harder and longer to pay for my Canada Pension, but I expect to get sick at some time, so please, gamble more of your money away.
Oh well, who am I to stand in the way of progress. I will now unveil my plan to ensure that I bring up the kids under the new norm.
- All Christmas and birthday money will now be put in an unmarked envelope and laid beside 5 identical but empty envelopes. They must guess correctly or lose it to the house.
- At the beginning of each week, I will take $5.00 from each kid and provide them with a Lunch Surprise Bingo card. If they make a row based on what I put in their lunches by the end of the week they get $10.00. Otherwise, the house wins.
- All TV privileges will be based on the new Spin to Win wheel that I am making. It will also include other privileges such as take out the garbage, clean the litter boxes and wash the car. I figure that the built in demand for entertainment will strip me of the need to do anything around the house.
- There will be mandatory side bets on all games of checkers and chess
- My wife and I will pepper our language with pithy gambling references such as “snake eyes” and “double down.”
- I’ll water down all of the drinks that are not served at the dinner table and ask for tips when I deliver them. Dinner drinks will now cost several dollars but will at least be full strength.
If doing all of these great things doesn’t help out OLG, I don’t know what will. Please share any ideas that will help out the cause.