The Results May Vary

Observations from my Mixed Up World

How I cheated Death, became a Multimillionaire and started sleeping with Supermodels

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It happened like this:

I took a shortcut down the scary ally. There I encountered the nearly dead homeless man and offered him help.  With his last strength, he handed me an old dirty lamp and gasped, “Use your wishes more wisely than I did, stranger.”

No, no.  That’s not right.

Waking up in the hospital room, strapped down and unable to move, I panicked.  Slowly, it all came back to me… the car crash, the surgeries, the amputation and all the horrible losses.  It was then that I became determined to invent the bionic penis and reclaim the life I deserved.

No, that’s still not right.

I stared at the ambassador in disbelief.  “I don’t understand.”  “It’s true, ” he replied, “you are the last of the royal blood line of Lichtenstein.  All the others are dead and now, we need you more than ever to take the throne.”

I don’t thinks this works.

Unthinkingly, I launched myself into the turbid water.  In seconds the overturned canoe would be too close to the edge of the waterfall to make rescue possible.  Later, cynics would claim that I knew Bill and Melinda were in the canoe but I didn’t.

Naw.

Horror turned to amazement as I looked in the mirror.  All those months of captivity, the tortures and the experiments that the aliens subjected me to, the wishing for death… the pain of the experience faded as I saw my face for the first time in forever.  The aliens had made a mistake.  They put me into Robert Pattinson’s body.

Oh this is never going to work.  I need a new title.

How I got Married, had 2 kids and lived happily ever after.

After I was discharged from the army, I spent almost a year drunk and looking for work.  I was saved when my high school sweetheart, recovering from her own horrible breakup, reached out looking for a friend.  We were soon married, despite my one last attempt to win fame writing poetry in a lonely apartment, and eventually had 2 kids.  Despite the big changes parenthood forced on us, we worked together, set goals and made a good life together.

That’s much better.

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Author: theresultsmayvary

Civil Servant Dad is a Gen-Y married father of 2 kids. He blogs about the perils, ethical and moral quandries and downright crazy challenges faced in raising them.

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