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Observations from my Mixed Up World


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I’m getting suspicious about why my wife planted zucchini

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Why I get more sex

So last Saturday my kids had their final fight of the day and were both sent to their rooms at 5:30pm.  No chance of parole until Sunday morning and no appeals.  Maya put herself to bed and Milo played quietly until 9pm.  My wife took the opportunity to have a long bath and went to bed at 8pm.  This provided me with a wonderful evening to myself.  I watched George Carlin do stand up and then hunkered down to do some reading.

Don’t be afraid.  I am not about to launch into sordid details of what I did to myself for amusement.  I didn’t and that all I need to say.  But I did chance to read the two parenting magazines that decorate the table in my loft.  I’m sure that all of us have them.  They show the world that we are modern and responsible people who do research into what our parents and grandparents had to learn by doing.  I was amused to read the articles that provide advice to parents who just aren’t getting enough sex.

I really enjoyed the article that suggested that parents don’t understand how to manage their time and that sex can be had in between 7 and 20 minutes. That’s just awesome advice.  If they could get it down to 2.5 minutes then I wouldn’t miss any of my TV show and we could finally use the commercial break for something other than refilling our drinks.  But honestly, who could ever suggest that a 7 minute sex-capade is going to save the intimacy in a marriage.  The article contained lots of real reader comments, all from women, despite the title which claimed “couples talk about it”.  Their input really came down to a single thread.  “I’m so damned tired that sex is the last thing I give a shit about!”

I get it.  I have actually turned down offers of sex from my wife so that I could sleep.  Believe me I get it.  But I am also getting lots of it.  So I don’t panic if I really am tired and need a break.  I know that the fountain won’t dry up.  And I am going to share my secret with all of you tonight.

Men, stop wondering why your wife won’t help you out with this one small thing.  Do something about it.  She’s tired for God’s sake.  Provide some rest.  The ultimate aphrodisiac is laundry.  Do the fucking laundry and don’t be a martyr about it.  Do it right.  Don’t bleach the colours or throw her unmentionables in the dryer.  Do the wash and do it correctly.  If you are truly too stupid to do laundry, I am sure that you can get lessons on YouTube.  And doing the laundry is not just getting it into the machine and then into the dryer.  I am talking full blown hamper to hanger service.

But wait… there’s more.  You need to forget about all the things that used to get you laid.  Flowers.  Not so great if you can’t keep your eyes open to admire them.  Candy, chocolates.  Right.  If you paid any attention to things at all, you’d likely find that she’d on a diet, plans to diet, just fell off a diet or bought them for herself to compensate for the fact that she’s too tired to have sex.  You must give the gift of rest.

I’m a morning person.  My kids by their natures are morning people only on weekends.  Yes weekend mornings,  the time that other, childless people are sleeping in after ecstasy filled nights.  I’ve learned that I can combine jobs that I need to do anyways with giving the gift of rest.  So at 7:30am on Sunday morning, instead of watching Disney XD with the kids, I hustle them into clothes and out the door.  A stop at Starbucks and then to buy groceries at all of the stores that open at 8am.  We never get back before 10am and always stop at Starbucks again for that sweet Cinnamon dolce latte that puts the smile on a late sleeper’s face.  Usually, this provides me with a smile on my face as I drift off to sleep that night.

On last word of advice.  Don’t thing that the message is do something nice for her.  She may appreciate that you spend 5 hours on changing the brake pads on her car.  But, I doubt she was losing sleep over them.  Even if she was, and I doubt it, you didn’t expect her to change the pads herself did you?  Give the gift of rest.

If you don’t believe me… well, you’ve been keeping yourself company for awhile now… keep on keeping on.